I thank the Lord that He is an ever faithful Father. I have been in so much pain, between my own experiences in my teens and twenties, and my 2 daughters’ painful experiences that I have slowly but surely walled off my feelings. My husband is a wonderful blessing whose love, understanding and patience is close to Gods own, in breadth and depth.
I am going to be 54 next month.
My faith in God never wavered. My faith had changed places over the years, though, from my heart and soul to merely the knowledge of God’s truth in my head. With all the pain and heartache, overtime I have pushed the heart of my faith and love farther and farther into an endlessly deep well to protect it. I saw when God brought me His goodness and mercies along the way, and gave him the glory. But, I could not ask for what I needed. I knew that if I asked my Father for what I desperately needed and I did not recieve it, that it would be the broken heart I could not survive.
So I guess my faith was there, in hibernation, waiting until I was able to face the pain I was in and realize that it was the pain that had been caused by myself and others. Not caused by the Father.
I could not read His word. I avoided hearing those who did. I kept my faith, but was so afraid that all I could do was push my heart farther and farther down into the well, to hide it.
But slowly, as the Lord always does, He left signs along the way. They were always there, everywhere. I would try to look the other way, but the Father who knows me so very well, put all of them in the middle of the road. So that when I was walking with my head down (not looking up for his help) I would run into them.
He also left his “detour signs” in the middle of the road. For a few years I would just stand there and beat my head against the sign and rage over the fact that I had to change directions. Then slowly I as I lifted my head higher and higher I would only look at the signs and mourn what changes it brought.
Now I am able to start looking around for the new direction He has sent me in.
I just recovered from an almost 2 year depression to find that the key to escaping the pain wasn’t to hide from it. But to embrace it, feel it, cry over it, share it, and then walk on.
If you don’t awknowledge the pain and feel it.
If you just try to outrun it.
Pain catches you eventually. And the longer you run from it, the stronger the pain becomes. Facing it is the only way to make the painful years mercifully shorter.
My heart is coming alive again. It hurts, unbearably so at times, but it also feels the love again.
I thank the Lord for helping me in my human shortsightedness to find this truth.
By: Lisa McConnell