I always wondered what it would be like to survive, no, to live in peace and joy in the midst of a Holicost.
I grew up in a dysfuncitional family, and have very few memories of my child hood. I suspect I was sexually abused by a family member.
When I was about 12 or 13 I was raped while babysitting.
A family friend then molested me.
I went on to live a promiscuous life. Married 3 times, 2 physically abusive alcoholics, a verbally and physically abusive convict who joined our church and had us all believing his deceptions.
How does one live in peace and joy in the midst of all this?
I did not find my peace until recently when I dropped the past and sarted living in the present (I still share a home with one of my alcohlic exs who’s mental health is now apparent, and live below poverty level, being disabled) but what a present it is. As I look out my window-it is such a beautiful day, everything is green and lush with new life, washed clean by the rain. The trees dancing in the wind. My animals are bedded down safe and content, the mamma goats happily chewing their cud, the mammas to be lying with swollen bellies full of new life within. My laying hens are walking in the rain searching for worms brought to the surface by the sudden flood of water, the baby meat chickens eating and sleeping nestled in the deep warm straw. Inside I hve 5 baby turkeys peeping away, craning their long necks to look at me while I’m baking bread in the warm kitchen. It makes me think of the baby goslings on Fly Away Home and wonder if I let them out would the follow me like I was their momma. My garden is planted and the little sprouts soaking in the wonderful rain. Some wild berry plants I found and transplanted along with a few trees are taking up root in their new homes, the rain will be good for them all.
Just hours before I opened the Toledo Blade newspapper to an articele, 1999 murder case…and without reading any farther, I knew it was my friend who’s husband killed her and cut her body in pices dumping them throughout Michigan. How do I keep my peace through this I wondered as old feelings and memories flooded back in a rush.
My son then woke to an e mail from his ex girl frien who recently gave birth (and yes I had raised him not to date or have sex before marriage) and claims the baby is his. We had visited and planned a DNA test to prove paternaty, now she filed papers and going thru court. We were more than happy to do the test and have him pay child support if the child was his. I loved seeing and holding the baby…what changed her mind to turn this into an ugly court fight?
And an e mail from a friend saying she never said the things I heard her say.
All the feelings I cannot describe that I felt time after time, over and over throughout my many years came back to remind me what was but is no more. I no longer have to live in that place of confusion and fear. I have only to look around and count my 1000 gifts and let the cards fall where they will knowing all will be OK. I AM in a place of peace and joy amidst the turmoil of the world I no longer wish to participate in.
Blessing to all!